It’s 38 degrees, and I woke at 4:45 today, more due to having passed out on the couch somewhere around 10 last night than anything else, I suppose. Undisturbed sleep which I can’t exactly term as peaceful or sound due to having had a 12lb ball of fluff taking up a larger portion of the couch than one would think he could. No doubt happy to be “allowed” to sleep with me, as generally night time is when we go our separate ways. Morning cuddles are always a thing, but I don’t dig middle of the night wake ups that include puppy butt in my face.
Puppy butt, cold mornings, and too early aside, if my writing about fear the other day was Yin, this writing about it’s absence must be Yang, and just must be. Been in the back of my mind for some time now, in some form or other. And what its about more than the absence of fear specific, is how almost exactly a year has passed, give or take, since so many corners were turned, choices were made, calls were taken, and I remembered me.
I don’t know exactly what was my mindset, or where was my heart, or “soul,” a year ago this time. Meaning, how happy I was, how clear I was, how anything other than starting in earnest the climb up from the place that I’d dwelt in for many too many years. What I do know, courtesy of Facebook memories, is that I had purchased my plane ticket for my trip to Arizona, and was making plans to see my friends, and to immerse myself in myself, and meditation, and whatever else I’d find when I got to the workshop which I was traveling to AZ attend.
Similar plans now made, at least where traveling to Arizona is the topic, and where I am today, what is my mindset, and where are my heart, and soul, … what a difference a year makes. I have so much clarity in so many ways, and so much confusion which is possibly more just a lack of defined path or steps than true confusion, in others. And even the places which are clear as crystal, don’t as of yet have plots or plans, or blueprints, to outline them. there is just, knowing. And love.
What I didn’t know at the start of what was this year of tremendous change and transformation was how deep it would all go, and how far out, as well. When it started for me it was just a shift from being the lost spouse of an abusive sex addict, to (re) becoming the rad chick who wasn’t afraid of most anything (that isn’t a creepy crawly, or slithery icky thing), who explores people, places, feelings, and ideas. It was just that simple, which wasn’t simple at all.
Meanwhile, there’s this book I’m writing, and these feelings I’m feeling, and thoughts I’m thinking, and things I want to say… and when THAT all ended, and THIS (which also includes this, which is no less THIS than the other THIS) all of those things came out in rushes and tumbles, minutes and hours spent wrapped in laughter, and beauty, tinged with occasional tears that weren’t the kind that hurt, but just a last little clearing of a long ago past. The absolute absence of fear, which didn’t and doesn’t mean recklessness, was like wings, to sound like a cliche jackass, but it was. THIS – the first, while still blurry, is so much more clear as light shines in, on, and through me. As downloads, or upgrades or shifts, or whatever it is, fill me with energy
4 days later. Not that I haven’t written since then, just, not this, not here. And nothing complete. Too often is the case that by the time I get home from work, later than I want to, walk a couple miles, which I want to do for as long as I can while the evening weather still flashes between summer and fall, cook, eat, clean up, my mind is just too worn out to formulate full thoughts on virtual paper. And it frustrates the fuck out of me. My mornings are either too early when I all but beg sleep to take me back, or a semi-rush to get out the door for work. I never was much for the middle ground.
I keep seeing a meme the last few days that says something about hoping the last 3 months of this year (which is closer to just 2 months now) is the plot twist “you’ve” been waiting for. And I think with sort of amazement about how the last year has been the plot twist I didn’t know I was waiting for. And it’s here where the absence of fear returns to me.
If there is such a thing as miracles, the changes in my life in the last year has been the stuff of that. Not in the fishes and loaves, or dead men walking sense. (which reminds me, The Walking Dead is back on tonight!! Holy fuck am I excited!) … To sort of echo what I’ve written in other blogs, and because at its heart this blog is not for me, but is for anyone who may need what it says, underneath the sometimes silly or indiscernible bullshit, there was a point in time where I absolutely did not want to wake up again. I saw no hope for a future that was of interest to me. I said those words to more than one therapist. I have daughters I love to the greatest depths, and the highest heights, but I didn’t think I had anything of value left to give them. My trust had been so utterly eroded by one person, (on top of the residue of erosion from others) that I didn’t see myself ever trusting anyone again, and life without trust is a very bleak place. I also though myself absolutely unloveable, and unworthy of being loved. So what was the point, of anything, ever, at all?
Maybe this was my “Dark Night of the Soul” except while I was in the midst of it, I’d never even heard of such a thing. (Which is likely just as well as I, for myself, believe that I wasn’t focused then on a target in the future, and what was coming, seeking out a something mythical around a next corner, but was instead fully immersed in the present, feeling every ounce of every bleak, black, horrible emotion.) But even if it wasn’t, even if it was just depression around being married to an abusive sex addict, to have gone from there, the absence of light, to here, where there is light so SO bright…. I know it’s not just me who can go from that dark to bright. I know part of why I am here, the biggest part of why I am here, is to be the light which allows others to find their way to the light.
I think for those who are where I am, or in places similar to it, it is easy to understand how almost happy I am to have shadows, such as fear of a certain something, pop up. Hold up the mirror for me, (or be the mirror, incredible as it is, that it is so) so I can SEE, and FEEL, and work through, every teeny, tiny, or huge, thing. While it is for me, it is absolutely not just for me. I have come to accept, and embrace, and be astounded by, the knowing of how much not just for me my path is, so if clearing, or embracing shadows is what it takes to get me fully there, I’m in! Because I am here to shine light, to be light, to heal.
With that said, I am, (we are) also here (I believe) to shift or destroy paradigms. If everything that was “how it’s always been” was still “how it is” no progress (or what passes for it, in some cases) would ever have been made in history. And I’m not saying I have all, or any answers. But I am saying, an energetic return to ancient ways, doesn’t mean a return to the way it’s always been. Its the usual case for my life; if you try to put me in a box, I’m going to protest, and hopefully find a productive way out. I’m going to find a new path. Or forge a new path. Chaos theory (magick?) all up in here. Where this once might have been done in protest, it is now done in a something “higher” way.
It was my own steps that, once again, brought me back to the absolute absence of fear. My own steps that included seeking wisdom, and knowledge, and then using my discernment to see what applied to me. My own steps that included going as deep inside as possible. And as far outside myself as possible. But also, it was the reminder of unconditional love I give, and get, that has been one of the most amazing part of the plot twists of the last year. The sort of love that can’t not activate, and elevate. A love that is intelligent enough that it requires me to do my part, as in; getting the fuck out of my fear if I’m dwelling rather than working through. (As a preemptive strike to questions along the lines of “are you in a relationship now?” Of course I am! Any interaction with another human is a relationship. Ha. But really, I’m not speaking about love in that way. That’s not what I mean here. 3 words have 2 meanings, which can be, but don’t have to be, mutually exclusive. So for purposes of the words I am writing here, think of love in the biggest way you can, multiply it by a billion X infinity, and you’ll have a fraction of the idea of the kind of love I mean right now. Is this about a dude I’m dating. Also no. Stop being nosy.)
So to recap my blah blah, not even sure (as always) I’ve made any sense; I was in a dark shitty place, I got happy and light, I realized I am light, I realized I’m here to shine light, and love so that everyone can remember they too are those things, here for those reasons. I am the luckiest human on the planet to have received, and allowed to give, unconditional love, shadows sometimes pop up, I let one get the best of me for a minute, now I’m through it.
And I’m sending love. Always, always.