So, it’s the day after the day I wrote the, “maybe I’ll write tomorrow” thing, and here I am…
Today, tears, abruptly, and unexpectedly, found me. I was doing something innocuous, not thinking about anything sad, or even moving, but, there they were. They lasted for only a moment, and I found myself thinking “Just ride the wave, must be some residue of a something that needs to get out, and that’s OK. Or maybe it’s just that another shift is occurring, and that too is OK.” And then they were gone.
As inconsequential as that moment, and those tears, seemed to be, because of the recent remembering of who I am, I wanted to take some time to take a look at the tears, or more accurately put, their origin, to see if I could come to any conclusion as to the why of them. And then, I got an email from my attorney. Or rather, was copied on an email from my attorney, to his attorney, which necessitated a response from me. Which led to a phone call with my attorney, (who, for the record, is really pretty damn fantastic!)
Even though the email, and phone call, didn’t bring up any sadness for me, they did bring up a bit of trepidation at the possibility of having to appear in court at the end of this month. I can’t say enough how I have absolutely NOTHING left for the (soon to be) ex. I don’t love, miss, want, need, think about, fear, hate, or even dislike him. I genuinely have not a single fuck left to give for him. But that doesn’t mean I’m down with the thought of having to appear at a trial. It was never my intention to do so. He had his opportunity to man up, and pay support for a period of time for the medical treatment I’ll ultimately need, and he opted the fuck out. That’s a wrap! Except, that’s not how the legal system works.
I didn’t cry AFTER the email or phone call, so maybe the tears were preemptive. Get the residue out of my system, or to put me into a state which was prepared to have the conversation, thoughtfully, intelligently, and from an intellectual, rather than emotional, place, and hear what my attorney had to say. I am, after all, paying her 5 bucks per minute, billed in 6 minute increments, for her expertise, so, I should probably heed her advice where the legalities are concerned. So instead of saying “I know you’re the lawyer and all, but, I don’t wanna do what you think, based on the expertise for which I chose you, is best, I wanna do what I wanna do” I took her advice. Like a big girl. Who knew. So, thanks, tears?
As anyone else in my situation would do, I decided the best course of action for the rest of my day would be to opt for a double shift at work later this week, and stay home to clear out some stuff, and cook.
So there I was, cooking, and listening to one of my favorite pieces of music of ever, from one of my favorite movies of ever, (“Somewhere In Time”), and there they were there again. Those f’n tears. Except this time they were a much less momentary, tiny drop of water sliding down a cheek, affair, and much more actual chest-heaving, breath taking away, almost brought me to my knees, sobs. With this BEAUTIFUL music still playing in my earbuds, and what I now remember as a crescendo of strings, and a brilliant piano run, I’m sobbing into a stockpot of fucking chicken soup. With no idea of why. But I rode that wave, too.
In all of this, the only thing I can think which makes even a modicum of sense is that I am now awake, and feeling, and thinking, really…deep…thoughts. Having gotten free of living in fear, living half-alive, I think really deep thoughts, about sooo many things. Mostly about things pertaining to me, and why and how and what, but some global deep thoughts, too. I’ve been shown so many things that make SO much sense to me, that feel like they are what I have always thought, and felt, but just didn’t have words for or education in. Some of what’s going on defies explanation, no matter how much I think about it, but its cool to just have the really deep thoughts, anyway.
I believe it is much more the thinking of deep thoughts than anything having to do with being (again) a more feeling (emotional MUSHY passionate) person, that played a part in the tears. I don’t think deep thoughts are inherently cerebral. In fact, I think the deepest thoughts find their origins in a non-cerebral place. (Is that an oxymoron? Fuck it, this is a blog, not a thesis!) Logic is cool and all, but, I’m not a rocket scientist up in here, I’m a chick, trying to figure her shit out, and algorithms don’t provide the answers to the sorts of questions I’m contemplating, as far as I know. And also, I hate math. But anyway, soul-level thoughts are a thing, right?
I can’t finish this writing without reference to the extra-terrestrial unicorn, who, as always, having not a clue what was going on with me today, somehow seemed to know I needed caring, and sent it. And after the tears, and during the replaying of the “Somewhere In Time” theme, thinking REALLY deep thoughts about how the caring ALWAYS comes when needed, while putting away clean laundry in a semi-trance like, state, the (extremely vague) outline for the middle part of my book, came to me. Because for years I didn’t know in what direction to take it, but have known forever how it started, and who would be its protagonist. But in the deep thought trance inspired by the caring given, I saw it. …
I suppose all that’s left to say is, “…what’s so amazing about really deep thoughts…?” Everything, Tory. Just. Everything. So think them when at all possible. And if tears of unknown origin come, ride that wave like you’re Kelly Slater! And never be surprised when a unicorn knows you need caring, because they are nothing else, if not magic.
To anyone who may read this, who has or is experiencing DV, who needs a friend, an ear, support, assistance in finding a way out, or anything, I am here. I was where you are, and I will do anything within my power to help you. Message me here, or on Instagram, RandomMuse14.
(Drawing by cantalo-upes)